Writings of a Sinner

For all sin and fall short of the glory of God

Month: July, 2012

Mask

I’m addicted to a lie
My smile says that I am happy but my heart says that I am broken
I wear skin soaked in a cologne that portrays pleasure
But underneath there’s still flesh, blood, and a tortured soul
I’ve worked for years to perfect this mask for times like these
Nobody likes a downer
Nobody loves the outcast
Emotions are overrated
Heart breaks have been banned
Inside I hope for the day that someone will catch my lie
The days I don’t have to hide grow few
I know these people around me but they cannot know me 
I wont let them
I forbid them
I put it down when I’m alone
But keep it close in case somebody knocks on my door
My mask slips off when I’m dreaming
But it’s definitely not on purpose
There’s still hope that one day my mask will break and I won’t have to rebuild it.
But I know I’ll wake up tomorrow and don my mask.

Pain

LORD, have mercy on me.
My heart is heavy with pain.
The Son has relieved me of my sin but my pain is from the blind sin of others.
Soothe my heart oh LORD.
I pray the words that my Redeemer prayed on the cross.
Father forgive them for they know not what they are doing.
LORD have mercy on me.

Instrument

LORD, have mercy on me.
I try and I fail. I try again and I fail again.
I am to stuborn.
All I have to do is to be. Be your instrument.
Everything I do is wrong.
Anything right I do is not me. But it is you through me.
LORD, let your will be done through me.
My body, my soul, my voice is all yours.
Guide and direct me like a puppeteer.
Soothe my restless heart.
Open my eyes clamped shut.
Let your breath lift me into the sky.
I love you. Let me always love you.
Give me strength to love you and everybody with the same love that you have for us.
LORD have mercy on me.

Life Thoughts

Every once in a while I come to a point where everything that defines me as me is all thats left. A point where nothing else that obscures me exists. Its usually before I fall asleep only to wake up and find it gone.
Sometimes if I wake up on my own, say on a weekend, I might still be in that state. When I dream, I’m me. Sometimes in music I’m me. But I hate that I can’t be me all the time. I hate that sometimes when I want to sing, I can’t find the stupid English words that vaguely discribe my feeling. I hate my lack of knowledge in music to paint my feeling with different canvas than the canvas of words. I want to open up my chest and pour my heart into the music so that it lives through me and I live through it. But my hands don’t play what I want them to on the piano. And the music in my head is way beyond my comprehension. Some people are themselves when their skin is covered in earth from a long day working in it. I am myself when I am in the Word of God, and when I am in music… Which i consider them no different. Is not the LORD’s voice like the sound of trumpets? His softest whisper, like a bow grazing its string.
I’m not afraid of death because it doesn’t hold for me what it might hold for some.
I’m not afraid of pain because it reminds me of who I am.
I’m afraid of being alone.
Its an irrational fear because God is always with us but still I fear it.
I’m afraid for the rest of my life on earth I might not have the comfort of somebody as me and me as them.
Both different but still the same.
Thats my fear. All other fears are temporary.

Broken Rules

I remember when we broke the rules
We heard their warnings and we called them fools
I remember when we ran away
Our feet were wet in the beach’s clay
Love shone upon us like the sun in the sky
It’s heat made us ignorant to any reason why
It tanned at first but then later burned
Our hearts and souls with lessons learned
I called you “love” and then kissed your hand
With lips that you would later brand
Many things happened over the years
We learned eachother’s hopes and fears
I came close and you stepped away
When once we both fought together in the fray
Lines were set and then later crossed
All previous reason for love then lost
We can’t take back the words we spoke
We broke the rules but, that’s not all we broke.